Memor et vivax

This small post is deviant from the usual self-indulgent recollections here. But I am not sure if or how many people even read this, so it's probably fine. It's been a few (too many) weeks, and mainly because over the last month Paula and I have been planning--from our various long distances--the memorial for Karen in Portland. We've now come out on the other side, and everything went very well. We had lots of help from awesome people in Boston and New York, and in Portland too. In the finally emerging sun, skylights flooded, at the excellent BodyVox, quite a few (more than expected) people came together and remembered and celebrated Karen with words, music, film, photos. And we had a reception afterward with her favorite Portland pizza and three kinds of pie and lots of friends and family.
Selfishly speaking, it was intense, exhausting, satisfying, and awfully sad. I threw myself into the memorial with increasing intensity as it approached. On the Friday, as I shuttled between the printers, big box stores, photo processors and more, I started to wonder why I was doing all this. And I stopped cold when I realized that no matter how much energy, time, money, thinking I threw at this, no matter how hard I worked, none of it would get her back. It was a sickening feeling. I cringed at myself. But then I just kept going.
And it all came together. Alexis' art and idea gave us a theme. And between Alexis and Peter, old childhood Portland came to life. Nicky shredded gorgeously. David was brilliant. Mary and Paula played and sang heartrendingly. Leah mixed the sweet and funny in such a way that I felt like I was back in the Somerville kitchen. And then it was over. I saw lots of old friends, remembered Karen in numerous ways, ate Escape pizza, drank a beer, gave away flowers and food and pictures. At the end, I was really tired. The bright open space was clean. There were about eight of us left: Paula, Miska, Leah, Alexis, Gretchen, myself--maybe more. We were done. It was over. So we put on James Brown, the Brothers Johnson, the Beastie Boys and we danced. And I knew a little better why I did it.

A few people asked me to post the program--we ran out--and so here it is. Others have asked me to post what I said, and I will soon. (What I'd really like is "To Be Schmeerish" as my new modus operandi). For now, here's the program. My thanks to everyone who helped make it happen.
Link to program below.
Karen's Portland Memorial and Celebration Program